What you wrote about asking questions or starting to speak to enter back into a conversation you zoned out of, is exactly what i did to not fall asleep during classes, lol. Whenever it gets impossibly boring, I ask myself why. Usually turns out i stopped understanding 5 minutes ago and everything since then was lost on me. Asking a question immediately brings you back into the game. One, because the teacher addresses you directly and invites you to understand. Two, asking a question requires effort on your part, and that wakes you up.
And as for my perspective, I'm glad you allow yourself to take up more space. I see why it might be scary. IMO it's what's really brave and honeest, especially if you usually try to listen only.
Wow, that's courageous to ask a question! I would always shrink back assuming I was the only one who had zoned out. I imagine though that you were picking up on the vibe of the room, and by asking a question you re-engaged the energy in the room.
Well, I wouldn't call it picking up on the way the class was going. Instead I was making an assumption about others based on my own state. If I was totally lost, but I had been I studying, doing my homework, throughout the semester, I would have the confidence to think "hey, if even I don't understand this, I bet there are so many others who don't". At that point I had no hesitation against interrupting and asking.
As I kept doing this, I think I got better at speaking out. Asking re-engaged me, so I would ask whenever I felt sure the problem was not me not having done any prerequisite work.
Off topic a lot hehe 😂 but demanding a teacher to deliver on their purpose by interrupting and demanding to be taught, was a great experience of taking up space, i felt like.
Wow, I feel seen, as the kids say these days. I tend to avoid volunteering information in conversation, gravitating towards asking questions, unless it’s in a group and the purpose is to discuss something (e.g. a book club). This has long been a sticking point with my husband. I want him to want to know about, say, how my day was. It feels strange to me to launch in to a description unprompted. His attitude is, “if you have something you want to share, I assume you’ll share it.” Glad to hear this is something other “givers” or “listeners by default” struggle with.
I consider this an offshoot of the introvert vs extrovert debate. I have felt like I should write something about it for quite some time.
Interesting thoughts, well written. Imho if you want to have a dialogue, both sides should be given a least the same amount of time to speak. I have a few very extroverted friends who call me saying "hey, we haven't talked in a while, let's meet" and then we meet and it is only them talking and I just space out after a while, and the next time I want to see them even less....
For the longest time I feel like we are living in an extroverted world, where the loud majority (albeit 51%) of extroverts assume that everyone is like them and that if you are not, you are weird - ie: if you prefer being alone, if you don!t mind silence while hanging out with friends, when you prefer the home office and do not want to meet face to face with your colleagues at work for coffee every day, when you are not interested in small talk, when you prefer text to calls, when you don't want to call people every day for hours... Ie, that contrary to what extroverts think, not everybody is like them, and being introverted is completely normal, even though we do not talk about it that much... At one time I thought it might be a good book =D
I'm not a huge fan of the giver and taker terminology personally, it makes sense in terms of giving or taking the spotlight, but otherwise I feel like "invitation" vs "declaration" is a better description of their conversational approaches. But aside from the names, the framework is super useful to have and I also naturally tend to invite more and am slowly getting more used to declaring!
YES! Thank you so much. I seriously looked for hours trying to find it.
Invitation vs. declaration is a great description, and less prone to judgment. That's wonderful you're slowly getting used to declaring! Do you have any tips you can share?
Honestly the fastest method for me was doing improv comedy (the same experience referred to in the linked blog). It's a perfect demonstration of declare-declare culture where taking the spotlight is *taking responsibility* for driving the scene, and giving is *giving away responsibility* - putting someone else on the spot. In improv it quickly becomes clear that declarers are the ones who actively *contribute* and inviters are just shirking their duties, inviting someone else to fill in for them.
This isn't always the case in real life of course, but for a natural inviter this helps reframe declaring / taking space away from being a *burden* and instead towards being a *contribution*. Expressing your needs isn't a bad thing! Sometimes that's exactly what people are looking for - an opportunity to be helpful, an opportunity to riff off of your initiation. https://twitter.com/array_hog/status/1616526055539625985
What you wrote about asking questions or starting to speak to enter back into a conversation you zoned out of, is exactly what i did to not fall asleep during classes, lol. Whenever it gets impossibly boring, I ask myself why. Usually turns out i stopped understanding 5 minutes ago and everything since then was lost on me. Asking a question immediately brings you back into the game. One, because the teacher addresses you directly and invites you to understand. Two, asking a question requires effort on your part, and that wakes you up.
And as for my perspective, I'm glad you allow yourself to take up more space. I see why it might be scary. IMO it's what's really brave and honeest, especially if you usually try to listen only.
Wow, that's courageous to ask a question! I would always shrink back assuming I was the only one who had zoned out. I imagine though that you were picking up on the vibe of the room, and by asking a question you re-engaged the energy in the room.
Well, I wouldn't call it picking up on the way the class was going. Instead I was making an assumption about others based on my own state. If I was totally lost, but I had been I studying, doing my homework, throughout the semester, I would have the confidence to think "hey, if even I don't understand this, I bet there are so many others who don't". At that point I had no hesitation against interrupting and asking.
As I kept doing this, I think I got better at speaking out. Asking re-engaged me, so I would ask whenever I felt sure the problem was not me not having done any prerequisite work.
Off topic a lot hehe 😂 but demanding a teacher to deliver on their purpose by interrupting and demanding to be taught, was a great experience of taking up space, i felt like.
Wow, I feel seen, as the kids say these days. I tend to avoid volunteering information in conversation, gravitating towards asking questions, unless it’s in a group and the purpose is to discuss something (e.g. a book club). This has long been a sticking point with my husband. I want him to want to know about, say, how my day was. It feels strange to me to launch in to a description unprompted. His attitude is, “if you have something you want to share, I assume you’ll share it.” Glad to hear this is something other “givers” or “listeners by default” struggle with.
I feel seen by your feeling seen, Cate! We're not alone!
I consider this an offshoot of the introvert vs extrovert debate. I have felt like I should write something about it for quite some time.
Interesting thoughts, well written. Imho if you want to have a dialogue, both sides should be given a least the same amount of time to speak. I have a few very extroverted friends who call me saying "hey, we haven't talked in a while, let's meet" and then we meet and it is only them talking and I just space out after a while, and the next time I want to see them even less....
I'd love to read your writing on this subject! Hehe I've also had those very extroverted friends and I agree the relationship wanes over time.
For the longest time I feel like we are living in an extroverted world, where the loud majority (albeit 51%) of extroverts assume that everyone is like them and that if you are not, you are weird - ie: if you prefer being alone, if you don!t mind silence while hanging out with friends, when you prefer the home office and do not want to meet face to face with your colleagues at work for coffee every day, when you are not interested in small talk, when you prefer text to calls, when you don't want to call people every day for hours... Ie, that contrary to what extroverts think, not everybody is like them, and being introverted is completely normal, even though we do not talk about it that much... At one time I thought it might be a good book =D
This is the giver vs taker post! https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs
I'm not a huge fan of the giver and taker terminology personally, it makes sense in terms of giving or taking the spotlight, but otherwise I feel like "invitation" vs "declaration" is a better description of their conversational approaches. But aside from the names, the framework is super useful to have and I also naturally tend to invite more and am slowly getting more used to declaring!
YES! Thank you so much. I seriously looked for hours trying to find it.
Invitation vs. declaration is a great description, and less prone to judgment. That's wonderful you're slowly getting used to declaring! Do you have any tips you can share?
Honestly the fastest method for me was doing improv comedy (the same experience referred to in the linked blog). It's a perfect demonstration of declare-declare culture where taking the spotlight is *taking responsibility* for driving the scene, and giving is *giving away responsibility* - putting someone else on the spot. In improv it quickly becomes clear that declarers are the ones who actively *contribute* and inviters are just shirking their duties, inviting someone else to fill in for them.
This isn't always the case in real life of course, but for a natural inviter this helps reframe declaring / taking space away from being a *burden* and instead towards being a *contribution*. Expressing your needs isn't a bad thing! Sometimes that's exactly what people are looking for - an opportunity to be helpful, an opportunity to riff off of your initiation. https://twitter.com/array_hog/status/1616526055539625985
was this thread the blog post u're thinking of? https://twitter.com/bhsharp/status/1543650725305020417
That's interesting! But no.
Wooow, I love that we are living the same experience!!