You don't have to be afraid of spiders?

How I overcame a lifelong fear of spiders 🤗🕷️

Every night growing up, I’d shine a flashlight under the covers, checking for spiders. I don’t know where I got the idea that spiders like to cuddle up in comforters, but somehow it seemed prudent to stay vigilant.

Years later, I (mostly) stopped checking my covers for spiders, though the fear remained. It was manageable—until I moved to a place where I encountered spiders all day long.

What was this fear of spiders really about?

When I focused on what my fear was actually about, it was a fear that a spider would crawl on me.

I realized that if a spider crawls on me, I can easily sense it, and—after a few moments of panic—get it off me. Should I get bitten by a poisonous spider (an extremely rare event), I can go to urgent care and get some antivenom if needed.

These scenarios didn't seem worth being so afraid of.

Spiders do not want to crawl on you or bite you

Contrary to what the movie Arachnophobia suggests, spiders do not want to crawl all over you or bite you.

You are big. They are small. You can kill them easily!

They’ll only crawl on you by accident, and they’ll only bite if they feel threatened.

We should be afraid of cars and cancer, not spiders

Our instincts haven't caught up to what we should be afraid of—cars and cancer! Statistics-wise, we should shriek in terror and run away when we see a car. We should ask our boyfriends to kill the cars for us, or escort the cars out of our driveways and take them somewhere far away.

A lil sweetheart roomba 💞

My partner, Jesse, doesn’t fear spiders. He affectionately refers to the massive wolf spider as a “sweetheart.” When I asked him to do his “boyfriendly duty” and escort this “sweetheart” outside, he reminded me this hunting spider was going around and keeping our home clear of pesky insects.

Like a free lil roomba.

Fear is socially learned

Each time I freaked out about finding a spider (a SPIDER!! 😱), Jesse would let me have my reaction but remained calm himself. For a while, I thought he was gaslighting me. We’ve EVOLVED to fear spiders—this reaction is justified!

Yet over time, his non-reaction helped recalibrate mine. It turns out our fear of spiders is partly innate, but it’s also socially learned.¹

Regarding spiders as "Spider-Person"

In her beautiful book Braiding Sweetgrass², Robin Wall Kimmerer describes how the Potawatomi language doesn’t use gender for nouns and verbs but instead distinguishes between living and non-living things.

A spider is never an "it" but a "who." You wouldn’t say, “What is in my hat?” referring to a bee, but rather, “Who is in my hat?”

Another way to translate this who-centered language would be to say "Deer-Person," "Tree-Person," "Spider-Person" instead of deer, tree, or spider.

One night, I noticed a spider had spun a web beside my bed. Instead of reacting, “Eee, a spider!” I greeted her as “Spider-Person.” Her web was intricate; she had clearly been there many nights without disturbing me.

A moment later, Moth-Person became a nuisance, buzzing around the nightlight. I sighed and silently gave thanks for Spider-Person’s presence.

Exposure therapy

All that above sums up my mental shifts to overcome my fear. But equally important has simply been exposure. Encountering spiders many times a day, my body has just learned to relax around them.

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The other day, my fear finally happened: a spider crawled on me. I felt the tickling sensation on my arm, instinctively brushed it off, and spotted a spider that was now quickly moving away from me.

I had a minor surge of adrenaline, but then I continued on with my evening.

Was this the thing I had so feared?

1. Perplexity says:

The fear of spiders appears to be both innate and learned. Research indicates that infants as young as six months exhibit stress responses to spiders, suggesting an evolutionary predisposition to fear these creatures. However, cultural influences and parental reactions also play a significant role in shaping this fear. Thus, while there is an innate component, environmental factors contribute significantly to the development of arachnophobia.

2. Braiding Sweetgrass is a really great book, worthy of its widespread praise. Go read it!